Hobbit Topic #11

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student writing projects peer editing

Image: iClipart

After reading to page 130, go back to Hobbit Topic #8 and read through everyone’s comments there. Copy/paste a comment from someone, tell whose comment it is, and critique them on a.) what their comment does well and b.) what their comment needs work on. Here’s an example:

CooperStudent10 wrote:

I was retreating from the goblins with a slight disadvantage because I had Bilbo on my back. I then felt the hand of a goblin on my leg and i new Bilbo and I were headed towards the ground. I scrambled back up to my feet and shouted “follow me everybody” assuming that Bilbo was right behind me. Everyone was tripping over bodies and at one point I almost was beheaded by Gandolf’s sword Glamdring. There was no time to count the followers and I never realized we had left Bilbo until we had passed through the gate guards and gate door and down to where Bilbo found us.

Here’s what Cooper did well:

  1. He remembered to use first person personal point of view (saying I did this or that instead of he did this or that).
  2. He remembered that Gandolf’s sword is called Glamdring and he called the sword by name, just like the characters do in the novel.
  3. He builds suspense by describing the goblin’s hand on his leg.
  4. He uses adult-sounding vocabulary like “assuming” and “disadvantage” and he uses active verbs like “scrambled,” “retreating,” and “beheaded.”

What he needs to work on:

  1. He forgot to tell us whose point of view he has chosen.
  2. He forgot to capitalize the word “Follow” in the statement, “Follow me everybody!” and he probably should’ve ended that statement with an exclamation point.
  3. He misspelled “knew.”
  4. He pretty much just re-tells what the book already says, but I think it would’ve been more interesting if he had added a few more creative elements, using the imagination that I know he possesses. CooperStudent10 is a really creative guy, so he probably would’ve added cool fight scenes or something, if he’d taken the time to think that sort of thing up instead of just saying what’s already in the book.

NOTE: If you list four criticisms, you should list four things they do well. If you criticize three things, be sure to give three positive comments too. Don’t go too heavy on the criticisms, please!

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31 responses »

  1. I choose Aj’s story

    i chose dori
    when i was running as fast as i could with bilblo on my back one of the goblins right behind me he grabed my legs making bilblo and i fall as i let go of bilblo after falling over people gandalf was this clos to slashing my head then i saw this really bright light and when i could see the goblins agian they were retreting thats when gandalf told us to follow him so i did as he said thinking that everyone was with us after we got out of the gates that is when i relazied that bilblo wasn’t with us aand that i had lost him

    WHAT IS THINK YOU NEED TO WORK ON:
    1. you have some misspelled words.
    2. you forgot to capitalize names.
    3. you forgot to add punctuation.
    WHAT I THINK YOU DID WELL:
    1. he use details right out of the book.
    2. he told the story exactly how it happened.
    3. He told the story in first-person point of view.

  2. i chose ~♥ShaRiaH’s comment

    This is doris side of the story:
    My heart thumping my legs throbbing and sweat trikling then all of a sudden a loud thump. As i was running from the goblins one grabbed me and i fell hard to the cold earth ground. Then came bilbo tumbling on to me considering he was on my back. Since he was on my back the fall hurt even worse then it wouldve if there was only one on this team. And boy did it hurt bad with him on my back. So now he must go while i try and fight…………….

    1. you need to capitalize I.
    2. dont begin sentences with and.
    3. you did a good job on capitalizing after each sentence.
    4. you remembered to put in .’s .

  3. I chose ~♥ShaRiaH♥student♥12♥~

    I, an experienced reader, love fantasies. In fact it is my my favorite genre.
    To beable to read fantasie you need to have a creative mind (well you dont have to have one but it wudnt be much fun to read them without one). Thats why fantasies are so good for us advanced art students beacause we have very creative minds. which yu need in order to be a good artist in my opinion. Fantasies are also very exciting. which is always fun.

    ♦She has good vocabuary.
    ♦She spoke her mind.
    ♦I agree with her with the artistic minds helping us with the fantacy.

    ♦She has misspelled words.
    ♦She also needs more commas, and apostrophes.
    ♦She needs to capitalize some words

  4. I chose Tori’s story:

    as we were running away from all the goblins i turned around and used the best magic i could and they all ran away but then i found a crack and just squeezed in and all my bottons fell out i was safe so i thought

    WHAT I DISLIKE:
    1. she didnt captilize the beginning.ohhh and capitlaize I. you are important you deserve to be capitilized and deserve to stand out in midsentence
    2. its all just one big sentence….break it down into a couple sentences yo yu it sound goonish like that
    3.the story needs more detail and needs to be longer.
    4.whos point of veiw is it from???I cant tell if you dont tell me
    WHAT I LIKE:
    1.Its a rlly good story you should continue it dude.
    2.It makes yu mad cause theres not more to it than that…thts a good thing…as you said “so i thought”thats verrrrry interresting….what happens next?
    3.Great spelling!!!
    4.It kinda shows yu how difficult running away from a goblin and whatever else is out there.

  5. I chose shariahs story
    My heart thumping my legs throbbing and sweat triklingthen all the sudden aloud thump. As i was running from the goblins one grabbed me and i fell…….
    1.she had alot of details
    2.she she did good on capitalazation
    3. she didnt do alot of punctuation

    • MorganStudent#17: Take another look at the example I gave for this journal entry. Also, look at the submissions given by your classmates here. Your Topic #11 response is a little too brief. I’m going to hold back on giving you points until you re-do this with more information. Copy/Paste Shariah’s entire story. Then list three or four in each category: What you do well; and what you need to work on.

      If you’re having trouble viewing all of Hobit Topic #11’s guidelines, please click on “read more” and it will show the rest.

  6. I choose Kevin’s story…

    This is Dori’s Point of view

    As i was running gobblins reaced out grabed me i tumled to the ground as i had bilbo on my back we both tumbled on the floor. Goblins were fighting and dwarfs were tumbling over bodies and running into one another. Gandalf almost cut my head off with a sword.

    What I liked:
    1. The way he used 1st person, instead of 3rd person.
    2.He wrote/explained what was happening.
    3.How he capitalized most of the character’s names.
    4.How he used proper puncuation.

    What I didn’t like:
    1.He misspelled a few words, like ‘reach’ and ‘tumbled’.
    2.He didn’t capitalize some of the words that needed to be captialized.
    3.It seems like he didn’t finsh writing. Like as if it was cut-off at the end.

  7. Ricky said:
    All the sudden, multiple gobblins came rushing towards us with anger and yelling. They sang horrible songs, and there was fire near my tree. After a few seconds, the flames reached the bark and my tree was on fire. So I climbed up to the top of it, then my wand flashed, it seemed like lighting. Then out of no where, the Lord of the Eagles swooped down and saved me from the fatal coincedence and took me to refuge.

    What i thought he did well was:
    1.he has a strong vocabulary.
    2.he has punctuation where its needed
    3.he used first person point of veiw
    4.they put there facts in cronological order
    What i think he can work on
    1.he could use more details when he is explaining settings or what is happening
    2.he started out his explaining with “all of a sudden” and he shouldnt have jumped right into that cause more happened before that.
    3.he needs to state more so readers that are looking at the blogs can have a good idea about what the question was.

  8. I chose Kalems story
    As we were running though the tunnels I heard a yelp, and then I saw a flash. In that moment time slowed. I could see the goblins coming step by step, as if walking. I pulled the sword from its sheath, the sound of metal on metal ringing in my ears. As I lunged for one of the goblins I tripped on something soft. As I fell I heard a cry and felt something scurrying away under my hand and sword. The next thing I knew was the sound of the strong and commanding voice of Gandolf saying to follow. We ran for hours on end following what seemed like a small floating ball of light, which we all knew to be as Gandolf’s staff. Before we had arrived at the lower gate the goblins had already smelled us and were heading our way. When we met up with them, the goblins were so spread out that we picked them off enough to get through the gate. While jogging our boots’ scraped along the dirt and gravel path in the mountain air. I looked back, seeing we did not have Bilbo Baggins.

    1. what kalem did well is he remembered to put punctuation in his story.
    2. another thing that kalem did well is he told the side of his story well and with detail.
    3. the final thing that kalem did well was he used description to tell how the goblins found them in the tunnel.
    the things that kalem did incorrectly
    1. He skipped from one part of the story to another.
    2. He used wrong punctuation in parts of his story.
    3. He kind of retold the story and what the book already said. he should have came up with some creative scenes that he made up.
    Good job Kalem

  9. i choose Autumn’s side of the story and she wrote

    I choose Dori’s side of the story.

    As I was running away from the goblins with Bilbo on my back a goblin reaced out and grabbed my legs making me fall. I let go of Mr. Baggins as we both fell onto the dark floors of the cave. Goblins were fighting, my fellow dwarves and i were falling over bodies and bumping into one another. Gandalf almost slashed my head of with is sword Glamdring. Then there was a bright flash. Once I could see again I saw goblins were retreating and screeching. Gandalf yelled to follow him and that is exactly what I did. I just assumed that all of our group were following. I did not have time to count how if we had all of our people back in our group as we were running to the gates. As we raced through the gates that is when i noticed that I had lost Mr. Baggins.

    what she did good is…

    ☺ she has very great detail and knows how to tell a story
    ☺ she rembered the name of the sword which is good
    ☺ and she rembers what they did like screaming or a noise that they make she does not leave out nuch at all
    ☺ and she rembered to put whos side of the story it was

    things she need s to work on is…

    ☺ she did not capitilize the word I as in her in some
    ☺ placesand in some places i thinks she need cammas

    but over all she had a very good story good job Auti. ♥

  10. I choose Tyson Student # 15:

    Gandolfs point of view: “Dori why do you keep dropping my dear mr. baggins?”“he is too heavy and in the way”replied dori

    Things Tyson needs to work on:
    *1. Okay, first of all if I had not read Mrs. Sparhawk’s post, I would have had NO idea what you he was taking about. He gave two setences, and he did not mention anything about who was speaking first.
    *2. He did not capatalize Mr. Baggins, He, and Dori.
    *3. He did not use punctuation after way and Dori.
    *4. He did not explain the full story. He mentioned why Dori kept dropping Bilbo, but he did not say how they felt, what they saw, how they got out, and other things about the story.

    What Tyson did well was:
    *1. He said who’s point of view he was doing.
    *2. He used quotation marks for the speaker.
    *3. He said “Replied Dori”, which tells us who is speaking.
    *4. He used punctuation like ? and .

    Great job Tyson!!!!!!!!! =)

  11. I chose Addee’s story.

    After I had dropped Bilbo and the goblin had tripped me, I had gotten back up and searched for Bilbo but i could not find him so I made a run for it I followed Gandalfs voice and I could hear the other dwarves feet just ahead of me and I could hear the goblins feet just behind me. So I ran as fast as my little legs would let me go and I caught up to the dwarves and we went threw passages and I thought we would never get out then we finally saw the gates and Gandalf said to just run for it they can’t get us all and so we took off and after I made it threw the gate I didn’t look back I kept running until I thought it was safe and I stopped and turned back and saw all of the dwarves and Gandalf right behind me and then we stopped and talked and caught our breath.

    What Addee did well was:
    1. She described what was happening very well so it seemed like I was Dori in the story.
    2. She described thoughts that Dori would have probably have thought.
    3. She used the first person perspective very well (using I and not he).
    4. When she said “So I ran as fast as my little legs would let me go”. It described what Dori would feel like.

    What Addee needs to work on:
    1. Is that she needs to make sure all of her facts are right. For instance after the goblins tripped Dori, Gandalf scared the goblins off so Dori would not be able to hear their feet behind him.
    2. She had a couple run-on sentences.
    3. She did not capitalize an I and she did not put an apostrophe when she said Gandalf’s voice. which are common mistakes for everyone.
    4. She used the wrong plural for dwarf it is dwarfs not dwarves.

  12. I chose Matthew’s story:

    I chose to write about Gandalf’s Point Of View.

    As we were running out of the caves, goblins started to attack! They were everywhere! I tried to fight them off, and so did the others. We needed something more to defeat these goblins, and to finally escape. We were all trying our best to get ourselves out of these cruel caves. There was to many of them, and so little of us. For a small moment there was nothing. Everything was still. No one moved a single muscle. Then there was a big bang! Rocks started falling from the caves ceiling. The goblins started to run and scream in terror. We were running for the gate, and finally made it out. When I check to make sure everyone got out safely is when i noticed we have lost Mr. Baggins once again.

    What he did well:
    1. He told Gandalfs story well
    2. He wrote it very well in first person
    3. He made it fun and intresting to read

    What he did wrong:
    1. He needs to capitalize words like I and some others.
    2. He needs to add the last tents on words needs to add ”ed”.

  13. Tori student8 wrote:
    as we were running away from all the goblins i turned around and used the best magic i could and they all ran away but then i found a crack and just squeezed in and all my bottons fell out i was safe so i thought

    Things Tori does well are:
    1. She remembered that Bilbo’s buttons fell off.
    2. She did a good job leaving the reader intregued when she says that he THOUGHT he was safe.
    3. She remembered to say I was runnig away, not he was running away.

    What tori needs to work on is:
    1.She skipped the part where he met gollum and found the ring and many, many other details.
    2. She forgot to say which character she was.
    3. She said that Bilbo used his best magic and Bilbo doesn’t have any magic in the first place.

    • I agree with CooperStudent10. This is a very confusing POV paragraph to read. Who is she supposed to be? And yeah, Bilbo lost his buttons, but if she’s using magic, then isn’t she supposed to be Gandalf? Besides, the journal question asked you to choose a different POV, not Bilbo’s.

  14. Addee says:
    After I had dropped Bilbo and the goblin had tripped me, I had gotten back up and searched for Bilbo but i could not find him so I made a run for it I followed Gandalfs voice and I could hear the other dwarves feet just ahead of me and I could hear the goblins feet just behind me. So I ran as fast as my little legs would let me go and I caught up to the dwarves and we went threw passages and I thought we would never get out then we finally saw the gates and Gandalf said to just run for it they can’t get us all and so we took off and after I made it threw the gate I didn’t look back I kept running until I thought it was safe and I stopped and turned back and saw all of the dwarves and Gandalf right behind me and then we stopped and talked and caught our breath.

    What she did good
    1. IT was exiciting to read.
    2. She didn’t use quotation marks.
    3. She told it in the right point of view
    4. She used commas and aprostraphes correctly.
    5. She did a most wonderful job!!!!!

    What she did bad:
    1. She didn’t tell what character she was doing
    2.She forgot some periods and capitalizations
    3.She didn’t use enough description.

  15. I chose to do Derek Student #9’s story.

    This is Dori’s story:
    I was carrying himk up until the point where I was tripped by a goblin. I acidentily droped him. After that you almost cut my head off Gandolf. I didn’t know he wasn’t following us until we were out.

    Here’s what he did good:
    1. He stated the character he chose to write about.
    2. He didn’t get confused with quotation marks.
    3. He made it so that any reader would want to continue reading.
    4. Spelled most words correctly.

    What he needs to work on:
    1. Maybe make your future stories a little longer, this one seems kinda short to me.
    2. Him is not spelled with a “K” at the end 😉
    3. Accidentally was not spelled correctly in your story.

    Overall GREAT STORY! Great Job Derek Student #9

  16. Haley’s story.
    In the flash i made to kill the goblins i slipped inside the crack and followed the goblin drivers who had you captive to the end of the great hall and sat in the corner. I chose Haley’s story.
    I wippped up the best magic i could in the shadows. i gave one of my flashes and all the goblins ran away screaming. i yelled follow me everybody and assumed everyone had because there was no time to count. We didn’t know Bilbo wan’t with us until we dashed past all the goblins and through the lower gate.
    What Haley did good on.
    1.She told a good story.
    2.What she said is something I believe very well could have been used in this book.
    What haley needs work on.
    1.Her story kind of resembles Gandalfs story.
    2.Capitalize your I’s.
    3.Put more info on what exactly happened.

    GOOD JOB HALEY!!!! (8

  17. I chose Matthew Student #3’s story:

    I chose to write about Gandalf’s Point Of View.

    As we were running out of the caves, goblins started to attack! They were everywhere! I tried to fight them off, and so did the others. We needed something more to defeat these goblins, and to finally escape. We were all trying our best to get ourselves out of these cruel caves. There was to many of them, and so little of us. For a small moment there was nothing. Everything was still. No one moved a single muscle. Then there was a big bang! Rocks started falling from the caves ceiling. The goblins started to run and scream in terror. We were running for the gate, and finally made it out. When I check to make sure everyone got out safely is when i noticed we have lost Mr. Baggins once again.

    What was good:
    1. He did a really good job telling Gandolf’s side of the story.
    2. It was fun to read.
    3. He does a good job telling
    the story in first-person point-of-view.

    What was wrong:
    1. He forgot to capitalize one of his I’s.
    2. He used the wrong (to,too,two) in to many(it should be too).
    3. He used the present-tense of check instead of the past-tense.

  18. In Hobbit Topic #8, Haley had chosen a dide of a characters story, and wrote it in her own words. This is what she said…..
    *In the flash i made to kill the goblins i slipped inside the crack and followed the goblin drivers who had you captive to the end of the great hall and sat in the corner. I wippped up the best magic i could in the shadows. i gave one of my flashes and all the goblins ran away screaming. i yelled follow me everybody and assumed everyone had because there was no time to count. We didn’t know Bilbo wan’t with us until we dashed past all the goblins and through the lower gate.*
    Haley,i believe you are a very talented writer and reader. You must like reading this book because you respond with great journals.
    My critical opinion on what you do fabulously:
    *You have a personal perspective about how you go along with things, you make sure that everyone knows your opinion matters(which it does DUH!!!!)
    *Everyone has their own way to write journals, and you are very mysteryious. One journal you may be personal and truthful , and the other you have been precise and most likely bored.

    My Critical opinion on what you could possibly work on:
    *Haley, child of greatness, you have horrible grammar,hahaha, commas?
    *You could also work on your imagination a bit, for you have a creative mind but need to let it out in your journal so everyone else can know that as well.

  19. This is what Tori wrote:
    as we were running away from all the goblins i turned around and used the best magic i could and they all ran away but then i found a crack and just squeezed in and all my bottons fell out i was safe so i thought
    This is what Tori did well:
    1. She remembered that when Bilbo squeezed through the door he lost his buttons.
    2. She remembered that the goblins came through the crack in the wall.
    What Tori needs to work on:
    1. She needs to tell whos point of view she is telling because i could not figure out if it was Gandalf or Bilbo.
    2. She needs to remember to capitalize her I’s like in the sentence “i turned around and used the best magic i cound”.

    Nice Job Tori. 🙂

  20. Anjelica Student #2 said:

    I would have to say Dori’s side of the story is interesting.When Bilbo got seperated his point of view is the only one that had gotten spread amongst the other characters. if each character had gotten to tell their story, they would have all experienced different things.
    (dori sounds like a hero in her point of suspect)

    *I had to make a brake from the goblins that were furoucesly sprintin towards me. My back was not the lightest part of my body considering that Bilbo had decided not only to tag along, but on my back. My load being as heavy as it was, was not easy to defend myself with. a goblin reached out and grabbed my leg forcing me to fall harshly. My only choice was to let my fellow companion, of much weight, go, and carry on. The fighting did not seize, for there were bodies being thrown a others dodging them trying to suceed their battle. As we were fighting, Gandalf had came the closest to my head with his sword glamdring then any of the goblins had. This was all bursting into chaos when a horrendous bright light came shining upon us blinding my eyesight. Gandalf had yelled to me to follow him as he knew that the goblins did not enjoy the light as i thought it would never hurt them, but they were screeching and crying as they ran away in horror of the object. We ran for the gates our fastest and assumed that the rest of my companions were following and there was no time at all for to count anyways. Out of all the yelling,fighting and bright lights, i had just reached the gates and had realized, I have lost Bilbo. This could only be the worst way to finally fight of the goblins with more to come. Now i have to venture out to find my dear Bilbo. WHAT A DAY!!

    I think four things that Anjelica did well are:

    1. Anjelica is a very good storyteller! I like reading her journals, because I always feel that she has something interesting to say, and she made this journal fun to read.

    2. Anjelica also uses an extended vocabulary. She always makes me use context clues to figger out words and such.

    3. I also feel pleasantly surprised at how she always seems to give an introduction to what she says, and she has enough information to back up her words.

    However, I feel that Anjelica could improve on:

    1. Spelling(: I love spelling, and am quite good at it, so of course I’m very picky. Such as, quoted, “I had to make a brake from the goblins that were furoucesly sprintin towards me.” I’ve found 3 words in that sentence incorrectly spelled: brake(break), and furoucesly(ferociously).

    2. Anjellica writes journals that are very long(even though I like to read them(: ), which some people might not like, even if I do. I’m having trouble figuring out things that are wrong with this journal… let me think… Anjelica’s such a good writer. It’s hard to find bad things. ):

    3. Uh… In the sentence where you said you lost Bilbo in the midst of all the yelling and bright lights, you forgot a space between the commas for the words yelling and fighting…

    Lol Anjellica, you’re too good. ^.^

  21. I chose Morgan’s story:

    We all escaped when i did my blinding flashes and the goblins ran away said Gandalf. Then i led the way out of the cave thinking everyone was behind me.We went through the lower gate and thats how we got out.
    What I like:
    1.She does a good job on telling us what happened.
    2. Sh gives us correct details from out of the book.
    3. She took Gandalf’s side of the story and used her creative imagination.
    What she needs to work on:
    1. She needed to tell us whos side of the story this was about.
    2. She needed to capitalize the word “I”
    3. She should have given us just a little bit more detail.
    4. She need to make it in Gandalf’s point of view not her own.

    • GageStudent#23, I kind of think she IS using Gandalf’s POV. She says, “I did” this and “I did” that, right? And it was Gandalf who did the blinding flash of magical light. Perhaps she could add more interesting details about HOW Gandalf performs magic. I mean, does he use a wand? A staff? Does he say an incantation (“Abracadabra–hocus me pocus!”) or something? That might enhance Gandalf’s POV a little, but I do think she’s trying to make it Gandalf’s POV. You gotta give her that.

      And Gage, since you did four “She needs to work on” points, you must also do four “What I like” points. So come up with another compliment, please! 🙂

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